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high (academic) expectations & how they messed me up

TEXT TRANSCRIPTIONS

page 1 / cover: a quick zine about HIGH (ACADEMIC) EXPECTATIONS & how they messed me up; CW: mentions of depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, dysphoria, dysmorphia; [by] zero (he/it), www.space-punk.neocities.org, trans*, autistic, asexual; march 24

pages 2 + 3: Growing up I was always told how "smart" I was. It became my defining characteristic and a source of pride for my family. It felt like all my "less desirable" traits were balanced out by my success in school. As long as they could boast with my grades, it did not matter how "weird" and diffferent I was. [in a speech bubble:] "At least [redacted] is smart". So of course I started seeing myself that way too. [as a comment with an arrow to that sentence: "I was a kid. How could I not?"] As long as I can remember my sense of identity and self-worth was tied up with academic success / performance. [on the two sides of a scale holding balance: "not a lot of work; quiet; likes science; good in school; smart: likes books" vs "picky eater; stubborn; too intense; weird; not a lot of friends".]

pages 4 + 5: And until a few years ago, that worked. I won scholorships, took part in math competitions and attended extracurricular academies and workshops. I was the top of my class & graduated with perfect scores. [simple illustration of a theater mask: one side smiling, the other crying; "masking - until I break" is written next to it.] At the same time, I was depressed an in an abusive relationship. I was fighting with an eating disorder and intense body dysmorphiia and gender dysphoria. I was self-harming and at times suicidal. Basically, I was miserable. [in a thought bubble: "But at least my grades are good!" and next to the bubble: "That was what I thought. That was what mattered."]

pages 6 + 7: Things changed when I started university. I came out as trans*, shocking my family. Together with all the other stress that caused, it put even more pressure on the academic expectation, because I "destroyed every other expectation, image and wish" they had for/of me [as a comment with an arrow to that sentence: "an actual quote btw"]. It felt like I had to make amends, to prove myself by being "extra" successful. But I failed. University is a lot harder for me than school. That [unbalanced / rattled / screwed /] damaged me. Who am I if not "the smart one"? I see where I failed and it hurts. I see others be successful and it hhurts. Everything shows me how vast the difference between my wishes / self-image / expectations and my real abilities / capacities are AND IT HURTS.

page 8 / end: It makes me feel lost and insufficient. Broken even. Like I did something wrong, something that ruined my "potential", that keeps me from being as successful as I could theoretically be. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I know it's a skewed way of looking at things and I try to deal with it. To find my own way, my worth, and myself. To learn / study things because it's fun & fascinating, not because I feel I have to. It's ok if it takes longer or looks different. Unlearning a lifetime of high expectations is difficult but possible.

AFTER THOUGHTS [from august 2025]

it's kinda wild scaning and reviewing my "older" zines. i mean, they are not that old, but it feels like a lot has changed since then? i'm still struggling with academic expectations and all the things i wrote about, but i think i've come to recognize and label it more / additionally as "(internalized) ableism". which doesn't change the thoughts themselves, but frames them in a (for me) new way and provides different ways of processing and (hopefully, some day) resolving them.

i'm still working on it but even tho i don't know how, why or to what degree, i think i made progress. my "situation" is arguably worse - my physical health has declined, i haven't attended university in a while and plan to change majors, so i'll start from the beginning, again - but my mental health is doing way better, so it's bettter overall. as "corny" as that sounds, i'm more at peace. (at least on average. i still have bad days regarding this.)

on a technical note, i think my layout and zine skills have improved. i'm not unhappy with the zine, but i think i'd do it differently now.