thoughts and things written into the void
previous: issue 5.
subnautica
i started playing subnautica and, surprisingly enough, i'm enjoying it a lot!
video games are kinda difficult for me, for several reasons:
- i have pretty bad eye-hand coordination and left-right confusion, so i get easily overwhelmed when i have to press buttons quickly. to avoid that i mostly play round-based games like the non-switch pokemon games and omori.
- social things stress me out as well, even in video games. i don't like having to interact with characters, especially if i have to make decisions on what to answer. for some reason it causes the same anxiety as real interactions and it exhausts me very quickly.
- lastly, i both get bored and perfectionistic/paranoid very easily. if there is too little to explore and find, i get bored. if there is too much (especially if everything might be story-important) i get nervous about missing something and in the effort to get every single thing, i get frustrated.
baldur's gate 3 for example sadly doesn't work for me (at least right now). i ignore the character interactions, get freaked out by "approval","disapproval" and relationships and overly nervous about "what if i miss a hidden chest and it has something very important!". everything just ends up stressing me a lot.
but subnautica manages to avoid all that. you're the only survivor of a spaceship's crash on an alien ocean planet, so there are no characters to interact with. the map is big and very detailed, with a variety of biomes, flora and fauna, so there is always something to explore, but there is no pressure to collect every single thing. i also really like the base-building and crafting parts. finding, hoarding and sorting resources into a shit-ton of labeled wall-lockers is very fun. and while there are parts that are a bit stressful and need quick-ish reactions, it's not a lot and quite manageable. most of the time you just vibe in the ocean and can ignore the story completely. also, the game is beautiful!
it's probably worth mentioning that i don't have thalassophobia, so i just get a bit unsettled sometimes when there is an empty blue void of ocean, but i don't have a strong reaction and i don't think it's particularly scary. apparently that is very different for some people - i've seen it described as a "terror game", but i don't remember where.
anyways. very fun game, kinda hyperfixating on it right now and it messed up my sleep schedule quite badly. i would definitely recommend it.
words i don't like #01: provocative / provocatively
in regards to clothing, make-up, etc. i don't like it. what are the implications supposed to mean? what is someone "provoking" when dressing "provocatively"? at best it feels judgmental, at worst like victim-blaming. no clothes are an invitation for sexual harrassment or assault and if people feel "provoked" to do that, that says everything about them and nothing about the person they hurt or their fashion choices. clothes are just clothes. stop being weird about it.
("provocative" in regards to art is fine tho, or as a self-label, etc.)
i read an article
so, i haven't written in here for a while / a lot, at least in comparison to normal. i got kinda stuck on an article i read. it's really good and at first i just wanted to put it in a list, but then i wanted to comment on parts i found relatable and it grew longer and i became perfectionistic over it. additionally i also started to mess around with the format and style (mainly to get the quotes to work), which is a bit chaotic, because i still don't really know what i'm doing.
i'm still working on it and probably will for a while (because i'm an anxious perfectionist), but i didn't wanna "block" newer entries on this page, so i transferred it to its own. i'll link it when i'm done.
the amount of nervousness / stress i get when i try to be articulate about feelings, experiences or politics is paralyzing. i'm so scared of saying something wrong that i often don't say anything at all.
pigeon babies
i have pigeon babies on my balcony! the eggs hatched maybe two weeks ago, and i only noticed last week and now there are these two adorable, weird baby birds!
look at them! fantastic little creatures! i've decided i'm their godfather now.
me/cfs consultation application
i sent off my application for the me/cfs consultation! i'm excited, relieved but also anxious.
excited, because if i get in and it turns out i have me/cfs, i'll finally have some answers and a better base of knowledge and understanding to go forward. obviously that won't change my physical health, but i think it would be really good for my mental health and ability to plan sustainably.
relieved, because it was a lot of work and i spent the last months collecting all the tests and documents. the letter i sent was at least 20 pages, including a whole stack of bloodwork, nerve conduction velocity measurements of my arms, magnetic resonance imaging of my brain, electrocardiogram data, abdominal sonography and chest x-ray results, the application form / questionaire and some personal notes / additions. i struggle with going to doctors and organizing appointments, so it's really nice to be done with the biggest part. i do still have some appointments, but they are not a necessary part of the application, so it's hopefully ok if i sent them in later.
anxious, because it's still a lot of uncertainy. i don't know if they'll accept my application in the frst place and if they do, i don't know how long i'll have to wait for the actual appointment. it's also not sure that i have me/cfs, so maybe the appointment will turn up nothing and i'll be back to where i started, but this time with no plan or idea what to do next. i really don't like that thought and not being able to make backup plans for that case is stressing me out, but i really don't know what else it could be at this point.
thoughts on an article #01
finally done with this. this took way longer than expected. i'm still not happy and there is a lot more i want to say, but i'm defining it as "finished" so that i can move on.
i asked a friend to read it over and check if i missed any content notes, not-good formulations and stuff like that, so i will do some corrections based on what they find. i would also like to put a list of videos and podcast episodes that relate to the topic at the end, but that's not time-sensitive.
i really want to read more articles and texts, but this drained a lot of energy, so idk.
sad update regarding the pigeon babies
Content Notes: animal death
one of the pigeon babies died. i don't know how or why, but apparently the mortality rate is quite high (only about half of them survive their first year, according to birdfacts). the other one seems fine tho - it's growing and gets regular visits and food from the parents. so i hope at least this one will survive.
i'm going to have to fledgling-proof my balcony soon tho. baby pigeons leave the nest before they can fly and often spent a few days on the ground and unfortunately, the ground underneath my balcony isn't very safe (we have a cat, at least one fox and a murder of crows). so it would probably be safer if it stays on the balcony until it can escape predators properly. but said balcony is a mess, i haven't had the energy to clean it in a while and with the nest there, i have to be very careful to not disturb it too much.
this is a bit overwhelming. it doesn't help that the dead chick is still in the nest (which is apparently quite normal?) and the smell is unpleasant to say the least.
another pigeon update, not sad this time
a lot happened on my balcony. i woke up yesterday to find the squab sitting on the balcony floor. apparently it fell out of its nest and couldn't get back up. i love the term "squab" btw. it's so fitting! kinda onomatopoeia-ish because that thing sure sounds, looks and moves like a squab.
i made a little shelter out of a shoebox (holes to let in air, an entrance, soft fabric for it to sit on, etc.) and placed it carefully on the floor. at first the squab seemed scared and/or sceptical, but after a while it moved in! i waited to see how the parents would react (i have mosquito nets and a uv-blocking window film, so i can sit directly by the window without them noticing / without disturbing them). there was a lot of visible confusion, but the squab hopped loudly squieking out of the shoebox and drew attention to itself until the adult pigeon finally fed it.
sidenote: pigeons feed their babies milk! crop milk to be exact and both parents produce it. besides all doves and pigeons, flamingos and emperor penguins also feed their babies that way, but in emperor penguins only the males lactate.
anyways. the squab has a shelter and the parents still care for it, so it's all good. i did use that chance to get rid of the old nest, which was really disgusting (both the nest and having to get rid of it). i'll have to deep clean and bleach the area once they move out completely. until then i have a tiny flatmate and i'm trying to make the best out of the situation for both of us.
next: issue 7.