previous: issue 4.

blue hair

i finally have blue hair again! i put off re-dyeing it because i had family things to attend and wanted to avoid drawing comments and scrutiny. like, it wouldn't have been a source of conflict (anymore) but i didn't want to have to talk about it if that makes sense? anyway, now it's back to blue and i'm very happy about that.

blue is my go-to color. i've tried different ones, but they only stay for a bit until i either bleach them away or shave my head and i just managed to grow my hair long enough to make a small ponytail. so, to save bleach and time, i'm sticking to blue for now, with varying shades and intensities.

adhd diagnosis and codes

i have an official adhd diagnosis! the predominantly inattentive presentation to be exact, which i expected but can apparently lead to some problems.

in the dsm-5 ("Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition") which is primarily used in / from the usa, adhd is coded as 314.00 ("predominantly inattentive presentation") and 314.01 ("predominantly hyperactive-impulsive presentation", "combined presentation" and "other specified attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder").

in the ICD-10 (10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases) adhd is coded as F90. the subtypes are F90.0 ("predominately inattentive type"), F90.1 ("predominately hyperactive type"), F90.2 ("combined type"), F90.8 ("other type") and F90.9 ("unspecified type"). but there is also F98.80 ("attention-deficit without hyperactivity") for "ADD". i don't quite understand what the difference is to be honest, but apparently for the inattentive type/presentation you have to be careful that it still gets coded as F90.x because officially F98.8 is not adhd and therefore adhd medication is not allowed/approved for it. so if you get diagnosed based on the dsm-5 criteria you have to pay attention that the transfer is done correctly, otherwise you might have trouble with medication.

idk, maybe only my psychiatrist insists on this. i told him about the diagnosis and he got very specific about "is it adhd inattentive presentation or add?" and i was very confused because i had no clue that in there is a difference, so i didn't know what to answer. which led to me reading way too much about icd and dsm codes.

media sorted by fear entities

i added a media site in the magnus archives section, where i plan to collect different kind of media (mostly books, series, films and games) that remind me of / could be attributed to the different fear entities. it's a work in progress (like everything else), but i'll try to find something for all 15 (the original 14 + the extinction).

i quite like body and existential/cosmic horror, as well as science and weird fiction, so it'll probably be quite unbalanced. so far "the vast" and "the spiral" are the most prevalent.

lamenting all the books i want to read

i wish i could read more. there are so many things i want to read, so many topics that i want to study. i have a whole bunch of different lists filled with books, sorted by:

• authors, e.g. thomas ligotti, eugene thacker, mark fisher, jeff vandermeer, r. f. kuang, stephen graham jones, william joseph martin
• publisher, e.g. zero books, weirdpunk books, titan books, ak press
• format / type, e.g. anthologies, short-story collections, zines, novella
• genres and themes, e.g. sci-fi, fantasy, dystopic fiction, weird fiction
• horror and its subgenres, e.g. classic, queer, body, existiential, cosmic, botanical
• non-fiction topics, e.g. anti-racism, mutual aid, community preparedness, disability justice, autism, adhd, fungi, anarchism, abolitionism, astronomy, astrophysics, black holes

so. many. books! i love the process of reading, but sometimes i wish i could just upload knowledge in my brain.

i'm trying to listen to more audiobooks, but i can only do that with some of the books because i like to mark, transcribe and collect quotes and that doesn't work with audio. and if i manage to get a prescription for adhd meds, maybe that'll help with reading too.

on note taking and notebooks

i'm always trying to organize my notebooks and establish structure and rules on how to use them. it's a never-ending struggle between my autism and adhd.

AUTISM: everything needs it's own notebook and i mean everything: one notebook for lists, one for each bigger creative project, a calendar of course, a log book to track symptoms, a notebook for book quotes, a journal, one notebook for each bigger topic we are trying to learn something about and so much more! i have a list about all the notebooks we need and they should all be from the same brand and in the same format, obviously.

ADHD: if everything is not in the same place and easily visible i will forget about it, and that's a threat. we need one notebook so we can dump every thought into it, because if we don't write it down immediately, the thought will disappear. same goes for digital stuff - i just forget they exist. oh, and uniform is boring and if the notebook is boring i refuse to use it. plus i already bought three new ones out of impulse.

it's quite frustrating and ends with me having a lot of started notebooks and systems, that i abandoned a quarter in (if i even get that far).

currently i have/use:

• obsidian - app/software i have on my phone and laptop. it's good for notes, lists and knowledge collection. i also use it as a calendar and log book. it's very adaptable, which is nice, but i still have a lot of trouble with object permanence when it comes to digital things, so i try to transcribe stuff to paper on a regular basis.
• a tiny notebook - this one i always carry with me, since it's only din a7. it has for example everyday stuff like grocery or to do lists, doodles, phone call (tran)scripts and small scraps. it's explicitly allowed to be chaotic. there is also some information for medical emergencies, just in case my phone is dead or broken.
• a commonplace book - it's a bit bigger than din a5, so i don't always have it with me. also has lists, knowledge collections, ideas, mind-maps, etc. i try to keep this one pretty orderly and have a color code.

the lines between these can be a bit blurry (should this list go into obsidian or the commonplace? should i put my to-do's in my tiny notebook, or the app?), which is a source of annoyance for me. aditionally i have/use:

• a sketch/art book
• a journal/diary
• a collection of book quote booklets

which are much more clear-cut in their purpose and function.

i like talking about notebooks. idk where or if i was going somewhere with this, but oh well.

random updates and thoughts

• just a few days after writing about my notebooks (see above) i got a new one. (imaging me sighing at my own lack of impulse control and overall inconsistency.) this one is apparently also a commonplace, but less orderly. the other is pretty structured, which is nice but also adds a kind of mental barrier, because i don't always have the energy or ability (my hands hurt quite frequently and i have tremors) to write as neatly as i want. so this one is an in-between and/or addition to other notebooks: commonplace, but more chaotic; red notebook, but bigger; diary, but more fragmanted. we'll see if it sticks.
• apropos impulse control: i have short hair again, even tho i spent the last year growing them out.
• i added some comfort content playlists to the [youtube list]. i'll also try to re-order and design the whole list, so the links are underlined instead of in []. i don't like underlined words in texts, so i don't always use it to signify links, but for the lists it makes sense to do so.
• it is so warm today (32°C) and i don't like it for several reasons: 1) i'm ginger and get sunburned extremely quickly, 2) heat is a sensory nightmare, 3) sunblocker unfortunately too, 4) the heat makes it harder to sleep, 5) harder to eat, 6) and gives me headaches, and 7) sun is bad for my tattoos.
• something went wrong with the letter containing my medikinet prescription and it has been stressing me for days. i don't like uncertainties and waiting on deliveries makes me really anxious, so getting a prescription via physical mail is stressful even in the best circumstances. but the circumstances are quite bad! the prescription is only valid for 6 work days, so there is a time limit. which sucks, because receiving letters at my student dormitory can be tricky and tends to take a while (i'm frustrated enough that i'm considering getting a p.o. box). oh, and the online tracking said it was delivered days ago, but it wasn't in my letter box. i have no clue where it could be and the post office didn't know either.

orthostatic intolerance

so, i might have a form of orthostatic intolerance. [disclaimer: i'm not sure, don't want to assume and i'll bring it up with my doctor.]

for a while now i've had trouble standing. whenever i'm forced to stand still for too long, i start to get uncomfortable, light-headed and just feel overall bad. it's mostly fine, because i can just sit down or lean on something, so i didn't pay it too much attention and never explored where my limits were. out of curiosity and because i recently aquired a blood pressure meter (is that the term? idk, it goes on my upper arm, pumps air into a cuff and measures blood pressure and pulse) i decided to do an amateur "standing test". so i laid down for 10 minutes and took measurements every few minutes and then i was supposed to stand still for another 10 minutes, without leaning on or holding onto something.

it was miserable. the first few minutes were ok-ish, but then i started getting lightheaded, dizzy and nauseous. around minute 7 i was genuinly scared my legs would give out or i would faint. but i'm stubborn and kept going (standing in this case) until the time was up. then i collapsed onto my bed.

according to the measurements i had a significant increase in my pulse (over 30bpm) and a rise in diastolic blood pressure. the first could theoretically point to POTS, and the second to the hyperadrenic subtype, but again, i'm not a professional and this was just a one-time test done at home (i don't think i'll repeat it tho, because i felt sick for hours afterwards), so it's not realiable and i'm just spit-balling.

however it does show that something seems off and that my inability to stand long has some measureable reasons. (of course it would be valid either way, but i'm forced and used to thinking in terms of what i can prove to doctors, so i hopefully get taken seriously.)

anyway. it's kinda fascinating.

more bullet points

(i have quite a lot of brain fog at the moment, so most of my thoughts are bullet points)

• i ordered a foldable bar stool, because my inability to stand long discourages me from cooking and doing the dishes.
• i'm trying to stick to a loose evening routine and so far it's going surprisingly well! the motivation is mostly that i like routines and feel better when i have them, but it's also because i have a sleep clinic appointment next week and i want to preempt the usual "you just need a better sleep hygiene. have you tried not looking at your phone in the evening?".
• there are pigeons nesting on my balcony. again. i wasn't fast enough to prevent it and now they already laid eggs, so i guess my bacony belongs to the birds for the time being. i'm not sure if the eggs are viable tho? when i first noticed them being there, they were on their own with no parent in sight but yesterday i tried to look again and almost startled the pigeon sitting on them. so idk what's going on, but just in case i'll do my best to not disturb them. it would be very fun to have hatchlings! loud, yes, but i love baby birds (they look so funky) and it's currently to warm to leave my balcony door open anyways.
• i think i'm writing slightly less on here because i still have a lot of fun with the new commonplace-ish (note)book.

orthostatic intolerance - supplement

i repeated the test. same results. which still doesn't say much, but at least it's probably not a one-time fluke.

permanent adhd meds

i got a prescription! yippieee! now i can add adhd medication (medikinet to be exact) to my regular pill box. which is good and i'm happy about it, but as a result i have to reorganize my life and routines a bit. i am not complaining - i just didn't think about that beforehand.

i'm pretty used to not having a lot of mental capacities (concentration issues, sensory sensitivities, fatigue, tiredness, low to no energy, brain fog, headaches) and adapted my lifestyle accordingly. it's currently very slow, which suits me. having access to adhd medication won't change all of that obviously - it just means that i'm an autistic adhd person with chronic fatigue on medikinet. all the underlaying things stay the same, but it still makes a difference. my experiences so far have been pretty positive, not life-changing but it does make things easier (if it didn't, i wouldn't have tried to get diagnosed so quickly).

basically (with meds) i have a few more spoons, less executive dysfunction and can focus my concentraion better (or at all) which opens up a lot of opportunities! the "problem" is, that i'm not used to them being available and therefore forget that they exist. so that's what i'm currently trying to figure out. here is an exerpt of things i came up with so far:

• reading more. i have so many unread and unfinished books at home, so i could work on reducing that number (or, more realistically, keep it steady, because i aquire new books on a regular basis).
• writing more. there are two mostly writing-based projects i'm working on together with friends and it would be nice to contribute more. i would also like to write more short stories to put here and maybe send to some open calls, if i'm feeling confident.
• making more art in general. i made a few collages (they are quite brain fog friendly in my experience) but i haven't drawn or sketched something in ages.
• regularly doing dishes. uninteresting but very necessary.
• watching movies instead of video game playthroughs. there are quite a few movies (and series) that i put off watching, because i feel like i don't have the attention i would like to give them. maybe i can do that now.
• continuing hobbies and projects. as with books, i have a ton of started and unfinished projects (parts of this website being examples) and even more that i would like to do some day.
• doing productive and university stuff. i don't have a lot of uni stuff at the moment, but next semester it'll be way more, so i'll probably end up investing most of my time and energy into that. oh, and i'm trying to find an apartment with a few friends which is going to be difficult. the housing market here is shit.

sleep appointment

i had an appointment at a sleep clinic today. it was just to talk, no overnight stay or anything like that. overall it was a bit underwhelming, but at least i have an official diagnosis for chronic insomnia now.

i'm always a bit nervous that whatever i say in medical contexts will just get blamed on depression and anxiety - that happened a few too many times, so now i'm constantly worried. it's additionally frustrating because i'm not even that depressed or anxious anymore. if anthing, getting my sleep more under control has significantly improved my mental health.

idk what i expected from the appointment really. the doctor suggested cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) specifically for insomnia (i didn't even know that existed) and i guess that makes sense, but it's not my main priority at the moment. plus i'm a bit sceptical how helpful that would be for me specifically? i'm not questioning the overall concept but my insomnia feels very "organic" in nature if that makes sense? like it's somehow hardwired into me, maybe partially due to autism and adhd (insomnia is quite common in both). if i actually have hyperadrenergic pots and/or me/cfs, that would also fit, because these two often come with sleep issues as well. all that to say that i'm not too eager to look for cbt right now. maybe at some point, when i have the other stuff figured out.

apart from that he recommended a different medication which is specifically for chronic insomnia and not just off-label usage. i'll have to check with my psychiatrist, but i'd be down to try that, especially if it means less side effects and possible interactions. we'll see.

next: issue 6.