previous: issue 11.

bullet points as always

(i don't normally date these entries but it's the 18th and i haven't written in this at all, which i am not happy with... but it's ok.)

• i'm currently watching ludwig, a very fun crime show. highly recommend.
• started making a mobile with hooded crows on it. or at least i started planning it. i have the wire and the silhouettes¹ i want to cut out. idk, i just like mobiles, especially kinetic ones. they are very visually calming and i like the physics behind them.
• i've been crashing for the last few days. i guess i've been overdoing it for a while and then i went to ikea and my whole body is angry at me. muscle weakness, mainly.
• well, i did sent off the gdb-application but apparently i was supposed to also print out another document and sent them that in a specific time frame, but since they sent me that document via e-maill i obviously forgot about it. so i have to re-send the whole application. unfortunately i stumbled upon difficulties, which i muste've solved before but i don't remember how. it's mainly about the specific icd-10(-gm) codes for insomnia, adhd and autism.
  • chronic insomnia: firstly, there is no specific thing for chronic, and secondly there is a difference between organic (G47.0-). and unorganic (F51.0-). i don't know what mine is classified as and if i learned one thing from the whole medical system bullshit so far is that the specific label and code can make a big difference - not in personal experience, but in medical response and treatment.
  • similar but different issue is predominantly inattentive adhd where it's really important that it's coded as F90.something and not(!) as F98.80 and autism. the icd-10 still has "asperger syndrome" (F84.5) listed and i really want to make sure that my doctors don't have that listed for me anywhere and that my and their labels match up.
  • ==> so yeah, the whole thing is getting further delayed until i have that sorted out. should be soon-ish tho.
• i really want to journal more. and make it more commonbook-ish. and i want to read more. i finally have a fourth book shelf and sorted my books via genre. which reminded me how many cool books i still have at home and that i don't have as many sci-fi books as i would like to.

university

exams are getting closer and closer and i'm starting to get nervous. like, i don't think i'm doing awful at uni so far, but i'm not really up-to-date on a lot of the material and i'm not as upset about that as i should be. idk, i get stressed when i think i'm not stressed enough. i should make a plan and overview on all the things, but the thought is overwhelming. also i'm currently don't feel like i'm in the shape to do a lot of uni stuff.

i'm having a hard time concentrating on university. or anything really.

maybe it's the new adhd-medication? i've tried vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) for a bit now, and while i think i prefer it over medikinet (methylphenidate), it's still new and i don't think i adjusted to it and/or found the right dosage yet. also things like this are really hard for me to do introception about. again, i think i prefer the new one, but it just difficult to tell.

plus i'm more crashy at the moment (it said as if it wasn't constantly crashy²), which includes more brainfog, which also makes concentration hard. i'm starting to recover from my ill-advised ikea excursion (which was exactly a week ago), but i'm definitely still feeling it.

anyway, university.

besides the exam nervosity and my current inability to attend the lectures and classes and stuff, i continue to be very happy about my choice to switch to library and information science! it's interesting, i can see myself working in/with it long-term, the people in the field seem sensible and idk, i'm just content.

black flame and iron lung

black flame: finally read black flame, the latest horror novel (or is it a novella?) by gretchen felker-martin! very fun and time-pressing and wow, are there a lot of repressed queer characters. so much going on. ³

iron lung: going to see markiplier's movie iron lung tomorrow! i'm pretty curious and excited.

iron lung

a friend and i went to see iron lung in the cinema and it was very fun! i kinda didn't know what to expect (besides a lot of blood), but i was pleasantly surprised. it definitely has art-house-film-vibes, for example a lots of close-ups and lingering on textures and details. personally, i like that. makes it less visually hectic, if that makes sense.

i'm still a bit unsure about the plot. the movie was in its original version and didn't have subtitles, so my screwed up auditive processing probably missed a bunch. my friend and i ended up with different interpretions about what the hell is going on - which isn't a criticism, i like making up theories and comparing them. anyway. we plan on rewatching the movie once it's available with subtitles to see what we missed and also to pause every few minutes to analyse all the shots and photographs in it.

i'm kinda rambling. fun movie, lots of existential and cosmic dread, and even some body horror. and so much blood.

FOOTNOTES

¹ one of the words i never know how to spell. s i l h o u t t e. the h? ou? and double t? that's just too much.

² talking about myself in the third person here. i know, kinda weird, but i don't have a lot of opportunities to hear or see it/its pronouns used for myself, so i guess i have to do it myself.

³ probably already obvious, but i'm writing this while being very exhauted and tired and sleepy (the last one is thanks to my meds), so my language might be off. idk, strugging to think of words, but i know that if i don't do it now, i will just forget again.

next: issue 13.