previous: issue 14.

favicon

i decided on an icon! it's an eye (and definitely not because that gives me the opportunity to call them "eyecon"). for the three base pages i think i'll make a black-and-white one and for each of the categories (folders? topics?) there will be a different color. it's gonna take me a bit to do that and i think i'll go back as well, so for the record: the eyecons start now, every past issue (and other pages that were created before) were given theirs retroactively.

[idk, i like having a record, especially when i go back and edit already existing and basically "finished" stuff. i do that in my analog notebooks and letters as well.]

frustrated grumbling

allodyia strikes again, together with some nerve pain (mainly hands and feet) and random muscle spasms. pretty bad timing because i'm writing my first exam in 5 days from today. i should probably rest, but it's hard to do that because there is still stuff i want to study. it's frustrating and i'm frustrated.

and what's especially mean is that i actually like studying! i like making flash cards, color coding them, sorting them in piles, having them in a pretty box on my desk. it's satisfying. not all the topics are interesting and some of the powerpoints i have to look through have a terrible layout but generally i like the process. ... at least if my hands don't start burning and the pressure of my arms resting on the desk doesn't feel like being cut with knives.

i'm trying my best to relax, so i'm watching wade's blue prince playthrough. probably my current comfort content, together with midsomar murders.

bullet points updates and thoughts

• FIRST EXAM went ok i think. i blanked on one question, which is frustrating, but otherwise it was fine.
• SECOND EXAM is in 6 days, so i'm still studying and my hands are still hurting. plus this exam is on paper (the first one wasn't), so i should really try to be more mindful of my hands. if they end up too painful for me to write the exam with, that's a problem.
• HANDS: on that topic, i bought some compression gloves in the hope that they might halp with the pain and stiffness. we'll see.
• LEGS are another current problem, which has me slightly worried. they hurt more, feel weaker and more unreliable than usual and it's more consistent over a longer period of time than i'm used to.
• BOTTOM SURGERY: is coming up soon-ish - next month. i'm currently too preoccupied with university to think about or start planning for it. in combination with my current health stuff, i am worried / nervous i guess, but i'm trying not to dwell on that.

most of that doesn't sound good, i admit. i wish i had more to talk about, but i'm kinda stressed and tense at the moment and struggle to think anything other than "oh shit, the exam" and "ouch". the next two or three months will probably be a lot between semester start, restructuring at work, bottom surgery and recovery, but to my surprise i'm overall still ok.

like, i know it'll be stressful and exhausting, but it'll also be over at some point. and i like my current living situation! my room feels like home, my flatmates are great, so are my friends, my workplace is chill and university is interesting and doable.

[i think i'm in a particular contemplative mood or something. probably because a friend in a long (by me) forgotten chat group from clinic times wrote a life-update and that just got me thinking. compared to that time, i feel so much more content and stable and i'm glad about that.]

next: issue 16.