previous: issue 15.

bullet points but in paragraphs, mostly

absence: i feel kinda bad for not updating this website for almost a month, but that's ok. it's not an obligation and while i do try to keep up with this projects and it's somewhat of a goal, i don't want it to be stressful. so there will be absences and times of little to no updates.

surgery is coming up! in four days to be exact. i've been trying to plan, pack and prepare but i don't feel quite ready i guess? which is a new experience for me when it comes to gender-affirming surgeries. i was very chill before my top surgery and hysto, but this time i'm more nervous. maybe for health reasons, maybe because it's considered a bigger surgery than the previous ones, maybe because i don't know what to expect. i know the procedure of course and did my research, but it's still a lot more individual if that makes sense. oh well.

i bought a used wheelchair. it was out of impulse (i was browsing ebay/kleinanzeigen and it was offered for 60-ish bucks from someone in my neighborhood) and for a while i felt kinda weird about it, but now i'm glad i bought it.

• sidenote to that - i realized something about myself and i'm curious how it is for others: i don't like new stuff. they feel out of place and foreign and weirdly intimidating in a way. so to make the thing usable i kinda have to "assimilate" it into the rest, for example by covering it with stickers. they have to look and feel like mine for me to be comfortable with them.
• for example: my notebook covers have stickers on them, i add bookmarks (those string ones, like in hardcovers) and put beads on the ends. in theory i prefer minimalist, clean-looking notebooks (maybe because i get visually overwhelmed very easily, but i also like how storage-/archiveable they are. like leuchtturm notebooks. seeing a full shelf of neatly arranged leuchtturm notebooks in a stationary store makes me very happy for some reason.) but i struggle to use them.

the exams went okay btw. passed both and i'm fine with the grades - not overjoyed (i'm still somewhat ambitious and perfectionistic when it comes to that) but also not unhappy. so yay!

university: new semester started and while one module is unfortunately not as interesting as it could be (i think i just don't vibe with the lecture and communication style of the prof) it's overall pretty cool.

i made a new list of library and information science websites. mostly open access stuff, databases and things i think might be interesting to people regardless of whether or not they study lis.

what else has been going on?

• i'm playing balatro. pretty fun, i've unlocked all decks and all jokers and am now trying to beat every stake with every deck.
• still into paper crafts. i have so many bookmarks at this point (easily over 20) and quite a few post cards.

metoidioplasty: 2nd day post-op

i was finally allowed/able to get up and grab my laptop, so now i can report live from the hospital.

i had surgery the day before yesterday and today is the first day i'm feeling more like a human. as far as i know everything went well and is healing like it's supposed to, but as always i'm in more pain than expexted (and/or the pain medication works worse than normal) so the first two days were just a lot of pain until they upped my meds. now it's pretty ok.

i don't want to go into details, but this is by far the roughest of the surgeries i had. which makes sense - there is a lot going on. i really hope this is the last surgery, and that i don't need corrections or something like that, but there is no way of knowing and i'm trying not to dwell on that. for now it's just resting, ignoring the pain and combating the boredom.

subnautica 2

playing subnautica 2 at the hospital. it's amazing so far and i'm so glad that it is because i really need the distraction.

metoidioplasty: 5th day post-op

i have severely underestimated the amount of sensory issues that come up with this surgery. everything is sticky and damp and itchy and holy hell, the smell is the fucking worst. i wasn't aware that apparently the bandages stay on for at least five days in a row! without changing them! it's awful! and because today is a sunday and tomorrow is a holiday, i have to wait until after that for them to finally take them off.

i'm so overstimulated. if they tell me i'll have to wait even longer than that, i'll break down crying. or screaming. or both. i still might.

deep breaths. through my mouth because i. hate. that. smell. sorry, i'm tense and in a bad mood.

besides this mess, it's mostly ok. pain is manageable at the moment, but they just lowered my pain meds so we'll see if it stays that way. mobility is still pretty low, but i can walk around for a few minutes - standing and sitting don't work nearly as well. my roommate is nice and i like his company, which is definitely a plus and yesterday i even got a visit from a friend! it was great to see them and have that feeling of familiarity and safety. that helped a lot and i appreciated it. also, they brought some snacks :)

i'm so looking forward to going home. it might be in two days, it might be later. i don't know and i don't like that uncertainty, but right now i'm trying to get through one day at a time.

METOIDIOPLASTY 6TH DAY POST-OP - SHORT UPDATE: i started with four tubes, and as of today i'm down to two. finally. maybe one more will get removed while i'm here, or maybe i'll go home with these two still attached.

METOIDIOPLASTY 7TH DAY POST-OP - SHORT UPDATE: my roommate got released today, but i still have to stay three more days (or like, 2 full ones and the next day i can go home). but hey, i'm finally free of the bandages and i got to see my result for the first time!

metoidioplasty page

i think i am more preoccupied and paranoid about healing than i expected to be. it sucks. i made a separate page for that so these issues won't be spammed with that stuff. i copied the updates so far into that as well and restructured it a bit. i wanted to contain it a bit, but if something more major happens (or if i want to) i'll write it in here as well.

gdb

i apparently got my official gdb ("grad der behinderung" / "degree of disability") while i was in the hospital and i received a 50 (an important threshold point). if i wasn't this mentally preoccupied with surgery and healing and stuff, this would be a much bigger thing for me. once all the current stuff has calmed down, i'll hopefully have some time to process it.

next: issue 17.