sidenotes

• i changed the "previous issue" and "next issue" thing. looks nicer now, i think. i retroactively changed it for the last few months as well.
• i added some photos to the fake instagram
• still updating the metoidioplasty page

(more) bullet points

• i'm trying to watch more movies. even tho i love movies, it's often kinda difficult to watch them, due to attention span, brain fog, fatigue and how exhausting emotions are (and good movies invoke emotions, but i rarely have the capacities for that). but i want to make an effort and also catch up on some cult movies and classics i haven't seen yet. started with "alien".
• short films would also be interesting. it's definitely an area and field where i barely know anything.
• i have two doctor appointments this week and they are both further away than what i'm currently used to. since i've been home from surgery i basically just stayed in my city district and only used busses. so while i'm still not comfortable or confident in being outside with my wheelchair, i know what to expect here, where the elevators are, etc.. didn't expect to be nervous about being further away from home. i'm sure it'll be fine and i have to get used to it again anyways. but yeah, that's definitely something i didn't have after the other surgeries. which makes sense i guess but it's still new and overwhelming, even if i maybe should've seen it coming.
• [it went well. trying to not feel silly for being anxious.]

going back to work

i'm back at work and i'm already exhausted. while it's nice to be back at the library and i genuinely like having something to do, it's also a lot. the physical components are tough and my arms are really tired from wheeling me around (i'm honestly surprised it worked as ok as it did). the sensory side of things is also bad and i have to re-figure out how to time and schedule my meds, especially the adhd one.¹

frustrated autistic grumbling

i don't like changes of plans. tomorrow someone from a medical supply store was supposed to come over, talk to me about wheelchairs and take my measurements. got a call today that apparently the person is sick, so the appointment has to be rescheduled. that can happen, it's fine and totally valid. but now i'm stuck in waiting-mode again! i'm not good at dealing with this - it makes me restless and frustrated.

i don't know how it is for others, but for me, if i have a plan (especially if it has mutiple steps!) i have to constantly actively work on making progress in it. if i don't it's just rotating in my mind and taking up a lot of mental space, so i can't concentrate on anything else. and waiting can be a part of the progress, as long as it's waiting for a specific date. i was fine waiting for tomorrow, because i was actively progressing through the time until then, but now that i don't know when the new appointment will be, it just feels aimless. i don't like that!

and of course there is the "i mentally prepared for this and now it isn't happenening"-thing which is incredibly disorienting and feels like being thrown in tumultuous water. one moment you're standing on reasonably stable ground, then you're being whirled around by invisible forced and don't know where up or down is. you can swim, but the direction is unclear. it takes time to re-orient yourself, it takes effort to swim to the surface and reaching the land will be really fucking exhausting. and once you're there, nothing changed - you're in the exact same place, just freezing and tired.

FOOTNOTES

¹it's difficult to find a balance sometimes. i need my meds to work while i'm at work, because otherwise i have murder-fantasies about everyone who is breathing too loud (i'm exaggerating. slightly. i get very overstimulated), but they also almost completely erase my hunger and ability to eat. problem is, if i only eat once i'm home, i apparently get so weak on top of my usual exhaustion, that i'm barely able to do anything.