(more) bullet points

• i'm trying to watch more movies. even tho i love movies, it's often kinda difficult to watch them, due to attention span, brain fog, fatigue and how exhausting emotions are (and good movies invoke emotions, but i rarely have the capacities for that). but i want to make an effort and also catch up on some cult movies and classics i haven't seen yet. started with "alien".
• short films would also be interesting. it's definitely an area and field where i barely know anything.
• i have two doctor appointments this week and they are both further away than what i'm currently used to. since i've been home from surgery i basically just stayed in my city district and only used busses. so while i'm still not comfortable or confident in being outside with my wheelchair, i know what to expect here, where the elevators are, etc.. didn't expect to be nervous about being further away from home. i'm sure it'll be fine and i have to get used to it again anyways. but yeah, that's definitely something i didn't have after the other surgeries. which makes sense i guess but it's still new and overwhelming, even if i maybe should've seen it coming.
• [it went well. trying to not feel silly for being anxious.]

going back to work

i'm back at work and i'm already exhausted. while it's nice to be back at the library and i genuinely like having something to do, it's also a lot. the physical components are tough and my arms are really tired from wheeling me around (i'm honestly surprised it worked as ok as it did). the sensory side of things is also bad and i have to re-figure out how to time and schedule my meds, especially the adhd one.¹

frustrated autistic grumbling

i don't like changes of plans. tomorrow someone from a medical supply store was supposed to come over, talk to me about wheelchairs and take my measurements. got a call today that apparently the person is sick, so the appointment has to be rescheduled. that can happen, it's fine and totally valid. but now i'm stuck in waiting-mode again! i'm not good at dealing with this - it makes me restless and frustrated.

i don't know how it is for others, but for me, if i have a plan (especially if it has mutiple steps!) i have to constantly actively work on making progress in it. if i don't it's just rotating in my mind and taking up a lot of mental space, so i can't concentrate on anything else. and waiting can be a part of the progress, as long as it's waiting for a specific date. i was fine waiting for tomorrow, because i was actively progressing through the time until then, but now that i don't know when the new appointment will be, it just feels aimless. i don't like that!

and of course there is the "i mentally prepared for this and now it isn't happenening"-thing which is incredibly disorienting and feels like being thrown in tumultuous water. one moment you're standing on reasonably stable ground, then you're being whirled around by invisible forced and don't know where up or down is. you can swim, but the direction is unclear. it takes time to re-orient yourself, it takes effort to swim to the surface and reaching the land will be really fucking exhausting. and once you're there, nothing changed - you're in the exact same place, just freezing and tired.

callout notes thingies

i have learned how to make these callout / notes / whatever, so prepare for me to overuse them for a bit until i forget about them forever!

they are vaguely colorcoded:

• blue (blue) for status-, mood- and similair updates or short notes (because the eyecon for the issues is blue)
• grey (grey) for website related updates (because the eyecon for the landing pages is grey)²
• red (red) for writing updates or creative writing ideas and similair stuff, also whenever a new text is added (because the eyecon for the writings is red)
• pink (pink) for art updates, art projects and ideas, also whenever something is added to the art section (because the eyecon for art like collages and zines is pink)
• yellow (yellow) for media consumption or recommendations and new lists (because the eyecon for all the lists is yellow and a lot of the lists are about media i like)
• green (green)for current or new hyperfixations and specila interests (because the eyecon for magnus archives related stuff, which is a special interest / hyperfixation, is green)
• brown (brown) for other notes (because the eyecon for "other" is brown and that's were all the one-off or unsorted things go)

there will be thematic overlaps and inconsistencies and i will be annoyed by that, but as a vague system i like it. i don't quite know what i'll do for new sections that might need new colors.

wheelchair thoughts

i don't know if i explicitly wrote about it, but i actually got a prescription for an adaptive wheelchair and an electrical pull device. unfortunately that doesn't mean the insurance will definitely cover it, and i'm not even at the point where they decide that.

1. get a prescription from a doctor
2. call / talk to insurance to figure out what their specific process is and with which medical supply stores they have contracts (as far as i know it isn't strictly necessary to go to one of them but it helps with getting it covered)
3. go to one of the medical supply stores
4. they have to send someone over to assess your needs, take measurements and talk about specifics, maybe to try out some stuff too
5. they (or you together) chose a specific model, write down all the details, the official device number (in germany it's "die nummer im hilfsmittelverzeichnis"³) and the price and send that to the insurance
6. insurance decides if they want to cover the costs or not

currently i'm between 3. and 4., still waiting for the appointment to be rescheduled.

sidenote: i've been using my manual wheelchair quite a lot, including at work and apparently i have gained some arm muscles (based on looks). but they don't do shit! my arms literally get tired and hurt from putting my hair in a bun! it's kinda ironic-funny to me that my body expends resources and energy fabricating muscles but then refuses to use them properly. i guess it's good that i can gain muscle (it's really not a lot but i haven't been able to do sports or exercise in years now, so every tiny bit is baffling) and i have noticed that propelling myself is a bit easier than before ⁴, so they're not completely useless.

UPDATE: it's a few days later and the appointment got rescheduled :) yay progress!

(small) wheelchair update

had a person from a medical supply store come by today to talk to me about a wheelchair and electrical pull device. he was very nice and i could try out a pull device⁵! very cool, kinda scary, but mostly cool. apparently there are some with an automatic docking system, which i didn't know.

according to the guy chances are good that the wheelchair will be accepted/covered by insurance⁶, but pull devices are harder to get. for now all i have to do is ask my doctor to rewrite the prescription (on two seperate sheets this time) and send them in. we'll see how it goes from there.

oh, if it doesn't work, at least i now know some of my measurements⁷ so i can get a more fitting one second-hand. that would still be expensive and likely cost more money than what i have, but still better than buying a new one or using the one i currently have long term.

FOOTNOTES

¹ it's difficult to find a balance sometimes. i need my meds to work while i'm at work, because otherwise i have murder-fantasies about everyone who is breathing too loud (i'm exaggerating. slightly. i get very overstimulated), but they also almost completely erase my hunger and ability to eat. problem is, if i only eat once i'm home, i apparently get so weak on top of my usual exhaustion, that i'm barely able to do anything.

² or at least it's supposed to be. i don't think i actually made a grey version of the eye and i don't know where the pixel file went to. so i still have to add that eyecon, but it will be grey!

³ [german incoming] webportal des hilfmittelverzeichnisses. adaptivrollstühle befinden sich im abschnitt / unter der nummer 18.50.03 und zuggeräte unter 18.99.04.0.

⁴ it's still not "easy" tho. in general, it's more about what is less exhausting than what is easy and at the moment, inside of buildings using a wheelchair is less exhausting than walking. walking is probably still "easier" because most buildings are designed for people who walk (stairs, doors, locks, narrow ways, etc.) and there is the whole social / societal aspect to it. idk if that makes sense.

⁵ a "paws" by rehasense to be exact. i think it was a city model.

⁶ more info about the wheelchair i might get (because i've been kinda hyperfixated on wheelchairs, as if that wasn't obvious): i'm not super sure which exact version, but i think he filled out the order-document for a sopur xenon^2 (for some reason the line is called "sopur" in german, but "quickie" in english? i'll stick with sopur). i asked for something foldable (parking situation/spot at home is too small for a rigid one) and without swing-away legrests (i don't need them and they stick out a lot, increasing the overall size and turn radius), so he suggested that one. because the model he had brougt to try out, which i liked, was a similair one and it was on my list (plus i'm always too awkward / intimidated / overwhelmed to disagree with people) i agreed. funnily enough "sunrise medical" was the only brand i wasn't sure that specific medical supply store had available.

⁷ reminder to myself in case i forget or lose the other places i wrote them down: seat width is 36cm, seat depth is 42cm. i didn't catch the other ones.